Gitmo is closed down and the captives are awarded a fully fledged tax payer provided vacation courtesy of the US government on the condition that Roseanne Barr and Rosie O’Donnell accompany them. The captives immediately ask to be returned to Gitmo instead.
Bill Ayers authors the new Education Policy for the Obama Education…..First Grade reader books open up with such phrases as ‘Kill the Pigs now’, ‘See Jane Bomb, bomb , bomb’ and ‘Give it to the Man’. Now every child can be left behind…..but at least its equitable.
A crisis breaks out in the Jihadist world when it is revealed that the organization supplying the 72 virgins for suicide bombings is teetering on bankruptcy. Democrat Dennis Kucenich immediately orders a bailout. A similar motion is put forth by George Galloway in the UK .
Alex Cockburn at the Suckerpunch... oops… Counterpunch rag admits that his struggling journal is close to financial ruin although he manages to secure funding at the 11th hour from a consortium led by North Korean interests, who urge him to tone down his extremist rhetoric.
Jon Stewart collapses in silence after some jester mixes up his cue cards. ‘ How dare somebody do this to me’ explained Stewart…..’they know I am not funny when it comes to off the cuff humor’.
Noam Chomsky bags his 1000th leftist groupie…apparently he will write about his experience in his new book – Milking Dissent.
Isolated and depressed with no Republicans to attack Mike Moore tries to make a movie decrying the Pizza Industry and championing the benefits of Venezuelan tacos. For some reason nobody takes him seriously.
Colombia University invites Satan to come speak on campus….Christ interrupts but the ACLU complains arguing that religion has no place in the University System. Student groups led by visiting professor Cornel West, argue that Satan has been marginalized for too long throughout history and should not be silenced any longer….
Hamas agrees to amend its hateful anti-semitic charter provided that all Jews in the Middle East agree to relocate to a small raft in the Mediterranean Sea . Richard Falk praises Hamas’ commitment to peace while Jimmy Carter scolds Israel for not taking the offer seriously.
In a move to appeal to a more diverse audience Stephen Colbert agrees to sideline his clueless Conservative alter ego for that of the ‘dimwit liberal’ but later changes his mind when it is revealed that there are already enough liberals doing that for real.